What Does My Identity Mean To Me?
My identity is something that I longed, for so long, to gain control over in my life… but like so many, I allowed the outside world and the fear of its thoughts, to control any inkling of a thought to express my confusion of certain things I had at one point, questioned.
For so long I could not identify myself. Inside I had no idea who I was and I fought a battle… a battle that at one point in time, seemed eternal.
At a young age I didn’t have that feeling of being in the wrong body, as some of my trans brothers and sisters have expressed, but I did feel at times like something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It wasn’t until I was older that the feelings became stronger and they began to take more control over my life.
When I finally found myself (after watching the Chaz Bono story and almost falling out of my chair with excitement that I finally knew why I felt the way I did) and gained the knowledge that I could be exactly who I felt that I really was beneath all the questions and confusion, I felt a sense of peace and a great weight lifted off of my shoulders – like I could truly breathe knowing I could live the rest of my life comfortable in the skin I’m in. There is no greater feeling than that! Especially after being unsure, for so long, about who I really was.
If I hadn’t been born trans, then I wouldn’t be on this amazing journey to become the man I’ve yearned to be.
So now that I can truly identify with who Erica was, and who Amari is now… my identity means more to me than I ever knew possible. The fact that I can be happy with who I am now and with who I am becoming, is definitely something that I didn’t think was possible.
So, to even have the opportunity to really know who I am is something that I will forever embrace and never lose sight of, and now I have chosen to leave my life an open book so that others in the same situation that I was once in, can see that its possible to rise up out of the thought that there is no end. I have overcome so many things that I thought impossible and at one point I never imagined I would be strong enough to fight for myself, but look at me now… fighting for more than just me. Now I am fighting for a whole community!
I want for others to know that positive self identity is one of the most important things you can have and after gaining it myself after years of struggle and doubt, my biggest goal is to show others that if I can do it, so can they… and it all starts with the realization that YOU’RE WORTH IT. I don’t go a day without telling myself those 3 words because in trying times, they can be easy to forget.
If given the chance, I would take back nothing, not even the fact that I was born female, because if I hadn’t been then I wouldn’t be on this amazing journey to become the man I’ve yearned to be.
Finding my identity has saved my life. And if finding my identity can save someone else’s life, educate those that may not know much about the transgender community, or even change minds of those that think were unhuman, then I will continue to show the world who I am!
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About The Identity Series
Point 5cc brings you a series of guest transgender & SOFFA bloggers, activists, and individuals to discuss their personal journeys, stories, or ideas through a very open-ended question: what does your identity mean to you? Hear more transgender voices or share the campaign on social with #P5ccIdentities.